I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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