mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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