I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
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hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
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"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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