Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
