when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
