Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
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