Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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