u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.