Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
