Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
