I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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