we're chasing vodka with high fives
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"