have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.