If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.