I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
