She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
