if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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