I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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