I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.