At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
