If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize