no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
