I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
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My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
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But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.