either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
