Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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