I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
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I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
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Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.