I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize