Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.