mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void