Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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