I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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