she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize