Don't make out with my wife yet
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina