She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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