So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
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Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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