If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.