There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.