let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
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I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
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We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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