I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
