the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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