HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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