There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
