Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize