Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
