Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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