I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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