GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
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You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
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Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone