he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell