My Higher Power is John Stamos
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound