Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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