Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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