I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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