Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
