last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
