Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
